Toronto Banks Clarify They Never Meant to Mislead Investors, they only meant to mislead customers
banks unveil new net-zero harm reduction plan to assuage fears
In an unexpected twist of corporate candor, Canada's top banks have come forward with a revelation that's sparking both outrage and sadness across the nation. "We want to clarify the recent confusion: misleading investors was never on our agenda. It's far too busy with the critical task of misleading our customers," announced the banks in a joint statement, delivered by executives who seemed to struggle with keeping straight faces.
Following a slew of accusations surrounding their sustainability efforts—or the lack thereof—the banks have faced criticism for what many see as a stark contradiction in their stated goals versus their actual investments. One bank official, in a moment of surprising honesty, shared, "Our green initiatives were always more about the color of money than actual environmental impact. If that wasn't clear, we deeply apologize for the oversight."
The outcry was further amplified by undercover footage revealing bank employees aggressively selling products and services, seemingly prioritizing sales quotas over customer well-being and environmental sustainability. "We've always prided ourselves on our ability to sell ice to Eskimos," boasted one branch manager, "Why stop there when we can sell unsustainable financial products to environmentally conscious investors?"
In response to the backlash and calls for greater accountability, the banks have unveiled a groundbreaking "Net Zero Harm" initiative. "For every customer we metaphorically slap with hidden fees and misleading financial advice, we promise not to actually slap their grandmother, and we would" explained a spokesperson, elaborating on the initiative with a tone that suggested they were either joking or revealing the corporate strategy of the decade.
The plan, which has been met with a mix of skepticism and bewildered amusement, aims to balance out the banks' dubious practices with a commitment that sounds good on paper but leaves many questions unanswered. "It's all about balance," continued the spokesperson. "Sure, we might finance a coal mine here and there, but we'll offset it by not financing a... well, we'll get back to you on that."
Environmental groups and financial watchdogs have criticized the "Net Zero Harm" pledge as yet another example of the banks' talent for creative marketing over meaningful action. "It's an interesting approach, promising not to harm someone else as compensation for harm done," mused one activist.
In the meantime, the banks assure their customers and investors that they remain committed to transparency, sustainability, and occasionally, a good laugh at the expense of Canadians. "We're here to make money, not save the planet," the collective statement concluded, "but rest assured, we'll keep pretending to do both."